Zoologist of Royalty

Zoologist to Royalty

Does it bite? The three most common words said by members of the public when viewing a new animal at the zoo. Actually that's not quite right - 'the', 'is' and 'it' were found to be the three most common words said by members of the public at zoos - according to 'Members of the Public Looking at Animals in Zoos Weekly'. But even if 'the', 'is' and 'it' are the most common words they do not form the most common phrase of 'does it bite?' Well 'it' does I suppose but I digress. There's only one kind of animal that doesn't bite - the group of animals commonly described by zoologists as 'dead ones'.

Don't get bitten - that's my motto. The phrase 'once bitten, twice shy' could have been written with working with wild animals in mind. Or 'once bitten, twice amputated', as my ex-colleague Albert may have said after chancing his arm, quite literally, once too often near the lion enclosure. That is the lion enclosure, next to the members' enclosure at Ascot racecourse. A dangerous folly if ever there was one. And getting the lions to wear the club tie was nigh on impossible, as Albert found out. Albert's days as a tic-tac man are sadly over.

But not all dangerous animals are dangerous because they bite. During my recent explorations in Darkest Africa I heard of animals who survive on much more ingenious methods than biting. Take the legendary Waga-Waga bird of North Rhodesia. It cunningly tickles its prey over the edge of the many waterfalls of the Zambezi using only the tips of its wings - a truly fearsome creature.

The fisherman along the coast of The Natal live in fear of the Houli-fish, which uses a third eyeball and curious facial expressions to hypnotise animals and children into the sea. Very few people who have ever been hypnotised by a Houli-fish into drowning themselves in the Indian Ocean ever live to tell the tale. But these pale into insignificance against the danger of the deceptively named 'No-Cricket-Bat Toads'. Their prey hears croaking and is lured into a false sense of security by a stooge toad who looks harmless. But quickly a whole gang of loads will leap from the bushes and batter their victim senseless with ruthlessly wielded Gunn & Moore size 5s. It just proves how adaptable animals are. Few more so than Hyenas of the Kenyan plains, who have discarded their usual scavenging diet and now live solely on the contents of Fortnum & Mason's Christmas hampers.

Fruit bats in Nairobi have abandoned trees and now perch upside-down in the petticoats of large-skirted ladies. It's the most alarming sight to see a bat infested woman attempt to sit. Many of the well-to-do ladies often employ skirt-beaters to constantly beat the back of the skirt with the palm of the hand to discourage bats from roosting underneath. My own wife employs one and she is a real hard task-master. I often hear her at night demanding that he slap the back of her skirt harder and harder – even though any bats must have surely been scared away already.

Of course there are people who try and tell me that keeping animals in zoos is, in some obscure way, cruel to them. But they are totally wrong. Take the Koala Bear for example. In Australia they are forced into spending all days up Eucalyptus trees eating leaves. What kind of life is that for an animal? At our zoo they get the very best brick and asbestos enclosure and get to eat the best of what's left of the nearly clean hay from the stables. It's a shame they all seem to die so quickly.

But it's not just in England that out zoo does sterling work. We also help the wildlife in Africa. Colonialist donations allow us to feed the threatened dodo with the finest plump guinea fowl kindly provided by those benevolent animal lovers – the LBFDSWCHTEA (Let's Breed Fattened Dodos So We Can Hunt Them Easier Association).

And speaking of donations, please spare any money you can to the Victorian Wildlife Fund. For every pound donated, after allowing for the necessary administrative charges, allowances and expenses, a whole 2s 9d goes towards saving animals. A fine cause indeed. All donations to be made to the usual address. No questions asked.

The elephants of the Serengeti have adapted to use all means possible to avoid capture. Some have been known to board the Nairobi to Cape Town express disguised as insurance clerks on their way to a conference.

Letters of Gentlemen

Dear GC,

I don’t think I’ve ever been so outraged as I was last Wednesday afternoon. I’m so shocked and appalled at what happened right outside my house that I am unable to bring myself to speak the words to describe it, let alone commit them to paper for publication for the world to see. If it is not already against the law then I think it most certainly should be.

I’m no prude, but if people wish to do that sort of thing in the privacy of their own home, then they deserve to be locked up for their crimes against humanity. I may be a man of the world but even I was sickened by what I saw. I’m just glad that my wife was spared from seeing such a sight. In fact I was so relieved that she hadn’t seen it that I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the window to see for herself. “Look at it!” I shouted at her while holding her head towards the disgusting sight outside. “Look at it! You might have seen that if I hadn’t been here to protect you”. I hate to imaging what kind of irreversible corruption would have befallen my children had they witnessed such a spectacle. It’s a good thing I took the precaution of not having any I suppose. Rest assured, you have not heard the last of this and I will not be placated until this matter is resolved.

Yours, Angry of Hampstead.

Editors Reply:

Help is at hand. I have spoken to several of the MPs who are members of the club and although you were unable to give details of the actual offence, they all share your sense of revulsion and are preparing a bill to make it illegal as soon as possible.

PS. George Wimslow, prospective Conservative candidate for Harlow East, wishes to state quite categorically that he was nowhere near Hampstead last Wednesday afternoon.

Dear GC,

I feel I have to write a discuss the subject of poverty. We live in an apparently civilised country but everywhere I go I see these poor wretched people living their lives in misery. It is a blight on our fair city. Surely, with all the great thinkers we have in our empire something can be done. My suggestion would be to wash them away with firehoses, or failing that, attach bells to them so one is warned of their presence.

Yours, Mother (ps. tea at yours Sun?)