Life on the Ocean Waves / Discretion Assured

Life on the Ocean Waves

In my book, a man’s not a man until he’s got a few drinks inside him. A gentleman knows when to stop drinking. A real man also knows when to stop drinking, he just doesn’t care. There’s no place like the navy to teach a man skills like that.

There are men aboard the HMS Incomprehensible who lie face drown in a trough of ale just so they don’t miss out on drinking just because they’re asleep. And this is the special extra-strong navy ale too. It puts hairs on your chest. New recruits have all the hairs on the chest ripped out upon boarding just to show that the ale will make them grow back. It can be a hard life. The ship’s cook had his arm ripped right out its socket when he stood next to the anchor chain. But even the cook is a hard man aboard our ship and he didn’t flinch or cry out when we stuck his arm back on with six-inch nails. True, he did pass out, but that’s not the point. He does have trouble stirring the broth now but apart from that he’s nearly as good as new. As good as a man with a dead, rotting arm nailed to his shoulder could ever hope to be.

There are other manly things about the navy too. Fights in every country. Women in every port. Diseases of every description. It’s a great life. Why, if it wasn’t for all that time wasted on the ship it would be perfect. I’d recommend it to anyone except women or weak men, who are pretty much the same thing in my book, they’re the same price at the docks anyway.

Well that’s enough drinking time wasted for this year. See you soon, probably in the gutter.

Editor’s note: The Gentlemen’s Club regret publication of this article. We do not approve of either our maritime correspondent or his views. However, he is a rather burly fellow and we at the club were all too fearful to object.

Discretion Assured

For enquiries of a delicate nature

Mark initialled envelopes c/o The Committee

H.M. We wouldn’t advise it, but if you do it would cost at least a shilling.

G.H. You should have at least twelve.

L.P. It would be foolish to try

A.F. Not in this country, perhaps in Spain.

R. S-F. Yes we do think she would complain

M.B. That will not work, not even with a friend to help you.

F.Q. A hedgehog is too small and prickly, and in any case it is probably illegal.

E.S. If you keep doing it then it will never get better.

P.W. With a spoon. But not one that’s too large.

F.K. It should not be green

B.T. You are either lying or measuring it wrong.

I.P. That is how they move. If it abhors you then look away.

H.L. Had god intended it to be smooth then he would have made it so.

G.K. If somebody does it first then it should be the host.

K.B. It should not leak like that. I would not trust him.

J.T.T. We’ll give you 3 shillings for the pair.

L.N. Tasty or not, you should not be eating them.

E.K. No, you cannot climb inside.

J.T.T. O.K., 4 shillings, but it’s our final offer.

F.B. Your friend is either mistaken or very bad at drawing.

H.D. Do not listen to her. It is a myth.

W.A. No you should not keep it as a souvenir.

R.P. It does not fit for it is not meant to do so.

T.D. Be thankful you have one. To want more is greedy.

Q.R. You heave heard wrong. It will not ruin your moustache.

J.T.T. Very well, 5 shillings, but it had better be the good stuff.

P.C. No, that is not the proper use for armpits.