Dr Grenble's Medical Curiosities

Dr Genble’s Medical Curiosities

Dear Dr Grenble,

my son has recently been complaining of toothache. I called out the local dentist but he merely administered a creosote tincture and charged me a whole shilling! I was wondering if you had a remedy for this ailment that I could administer myself.

J.F. Witherington, Dorset

The Doctor replies : indeed I so Sir, and what is more it seems to be a long lasting cure. About two years ago my seven year old son complained bitterly of the pain a cavity was causing him. I seized the red hot poker from the fireplace and immediately began to cauterise the wound. Such an action may sound harsh, but in fact so comforting was this that after a brief few seconds of violent spasms he drifted into a peaceful comatose state next to the coal scuttle. And what is more, he has never complained of toothache since.

Dear Dr Grenble,

my wife suffers from terrible stress and seems constantly nervous and depressed. I’ve tried to beat the depression out of her but with no avail. Any ideas? I wrote to you once before and you suggested using common opium as a sedative. At first it appeared to work but now, apart from a few hours when she seems blissfully happy, she just becomes agitated again no matter how much I increase the dosage.

S.R. Penfold, Greenwich

The Doctor Replies : I sympathise Mr Penfold. It must be terrible to have your wife like this. I have taken the liberty of discussing this case with my colleagues to gather opinion on what to suggest. After much reasoned thought we suggest that you take a mistress. I’m sure you won’t regret it. Believe me, after a few weeks in the company of a younger woman you won’t even notice your wife’s ailments.

Dear Dr Grenble,

I have a, no, I have a friend, yes a friend, who has a problem. I wonder if you give me some advice, no him some advice, no give me some advice to give to him. He has, I don’t know how to put this, recently been receiving comfort from a lady who lives above one of the taverns by the docks. Although it’s obviously a complete coincidence, since about that time he has developed an unusual kind of rash, apparently, I don’t know how unusual of course not having seen it myself. This rash is on his, well obviously I don’t know where again not having seen it myself and I wouldn’t tell anyone where it was. And nor would he obviously, because he hasn’t told me where it is. And I don’t know where because he’s got it not me.

K Smith, Kensington, no not Kensington, Harrow

The Doctor replies : I can give you advice on this delicate matter, to give to your friend of course. I suggest you, or he obviously, go to your, or his, nearest hardware store and buys the coarsest sandpaper you, or he, can find. I would then suggest that you, or he, rub the effected area vigorously with the sandpaper for at least 10 minutes. When I say you or he rub, I obviously mean yourselves, not each other, although obviously it’s just him that would need to rub with the sandpaper, himbeing the one that is ill, not you. This will not necessarily cure the rash, but it will stop you, sorry him, from catching it again in a hurry.

Dear Dr Grenble,

I was wondering if you could give me some details on the causes and cures for rickets. My eldest, Jeremy, is otherwise a wonderfully lively fourteen year old and a keen player of this new fad of football. Sadly, having rickets and being a goalkeeper are not an ideal combination and poor Jeremy does worry that his condition will effect his chances of ever playing for his heroes, the Old Etonians.

P. Solby, Hackney

The Doctor replies : first let me assure you that having rickets will make no difference to your son’s chances of playing for the Old Etonians. Coming from Hackney there is no chance of your son ever being accepted into Eton, so there is equally no chance of him making the old boy’s XI with or without rickets. I hope that will put his mind at rest. But rickets are a serious issue effecting society today. Some people suggest that this condition may be caused by lack of sunlight. What nonsense. They are just too wishy-washy liberal to accept the real truth.

Rickets are caused by unemployment. When I do my rounds it becomes all too obvious that rickets children tend to come from the poorest families, normally those with parents claiming to be too ill, or just unable to work. It’s not good enough. If they weren’t such malingerers they’d all be able to find work. Such people come to me complaining that they’ve had limbs cut off in accidents with machinery. Malingerers! That’s all they are.

One came to me saying he’d lost the lower half of his right arm up at the mill. What rubbish. You can lose your spectacles, some small change or even your pocket watch, but lose your arm - it’s ridiculous. He waved what, admittedly, did look like only half an arm at me but I repeated “You can’t lose your arm - it’s attached to your body and won’t come off however hard you tug, and so it certainly can’t come off accidentally without you knowing it “ That got him. He changed his story, now claiming that the machine had cut it off. Lost one minute, cut off the next, I ask you? Did he think I was born yesterday? I threw him out onto the street.

That’s not the worst of it. I was called the other day to call on Mr Hegson at the workhouse. He was having trouble with one of the work-shy lazy malingerers who appeared to think he did not need to carry out rock-breaking tasks in order to earn his daily gruel and lodgings. This wretched fellow had the pallid complexion of the lazy and just lay still onthe floor while poor Mr Hegson shouted at him to work. He hadn’t moved for three days apparently. Even the cat-o-nine tails wasn’t enough to stir this turgid soul into action. This man was so lazy that he couldn’t even be bothered to bleed while being whipped.

Later, another doctor came to the scene and pronounced the man dead. Typical – the lengths some people will go to to avoid work.

So back to rickets. Do I have a cure? No. But warming the bones to make them softer then hitting them with mallets, rather like an ironmonger working steel may help. On the bright side the enforced shorter posture could make him suited for working in the cramped mines around the country. That’s all. Next week I will tell you my ideas on how chest infections can be helped by the warming action of inhaling cigar smoke.

Doctor’s note: I have to make it clear that although I am prepared to make personal replies to those of you who wish for your ailments to be remain private (such as F.R. Jackson of Oxford with his hideous downstairs troubles) I do require the usual fee and an SAE.

Addendum: young Mary-Anne of Richmond, the above does not apply to you as I know your financial situation. I can assure you those growths are quite normal, but yes, perhaps it would be wise for you to keep sending the photographs and I’ll pay the postage.