Eye on the Nation

Sewell’s Bakery

present our finest quality loaf

100% weevil free, guaranteed

Yes, we guarantee that most of our loaves contain no weevils at all. Only Sewell’s can promise this because only Sewell’s employ Living Deterrent* weevil elimination system in their bakery.

Yes, we guarantee there’ll be no dubious “Raisin Breads” sold at Sewell’s, unlike some bakeries that we wouldn’t care to mention, particularly the one round the corner from our Wimbledon branch run by that scruffy Mr Hertzwold. Don’t let him trick you into believing he’s selling cakes and those are just exotic ingredients. His wares are full of disgusting stuff. Trust us, we know. We heard it first-hand from many of he ex-junior bakers who now work for us, and if he pays us the 10 Guineas as agreed, we’ll keep quiet about it.

*Living Deterrent.

Sewell’s bakery adopt the natural and healthy process of allowing the natural predators of the weevil free access to all areas of the bakery. Due to these practices, the loaves may contain small traces of sparrow or stoat, or indeed any other woodland creature. We have paid a highly qualified scientist a lot of money to testify that this does not present any potential health risk. We also have a good few QC’s on a retainer so don’t even think about trying to take us to court, OK. And for the stupidly persistent among you, and I do mean you Mr G.S. Hillingdon, just because your father choked to death while eating one of our Pecan fancies that happened to contain half a starling, doesn’t mean you’re going to get one penny out of us. Remember, we know some nasty men and we also know where you live.

Eye on the Nation

With I. Jacob Tenuous

Magician, Eric Olstenthorpe of Dorking, is recovering after being beaten up by a disgruntled audience who had come to see his one man show. They were disappointed when during the much publicised finale of his act where he claims to ‘vomit from the eyes’, vomitus was observed to be exiting from only the usual orifice.

“..of course it looked like it was coming from my mouth “wrote (due to his broken jaw) Eric. “Only a superb conjurer such as myself is capable of vomiting from the eyes, yet, with indiscernible slight of hand, make it look like it was coming out of my mouth”. When asked why he didn’t just vomit from the eyes Eric replied “It’d look disgusting. Who’d want to see that?”

Church attendances at St. Mary’s in Chelmsford quadrupled after the vicar, Rev. Joseph Aldplancton ripped up the catholic rule book of traditional penances and replaced them with orders to succumb to a variety of seemingly ungodly temptations of the flesh. “I as see it” screamed the manacled vicar as the police dragged him away “if I reward confessors rather than punish them then they are more likely to come back to confess time and time again. And that has to be good doesn’t it?”

The Rev. Aldplancton claimed he got his inspiration after seeing a vision of God. He explained “It started shortly after a new coalman started doing the rounds.

He looked a decidedly shifty fellow but I invited him in out of decency and over a cup of tea and was surprised to find he had an interest in many of my ornaments and antiques. He also introduced me to a simply divine herbal infusion made from the very same Burmese poppies often used in medicinal opiates and soon I lay watching the room spin and swirl before me. I was vaguely aware of activity in the room, things being taken from shelves etc, when God introduced himself to me. God, who looked surprisingly like the coalman with cloak over his face, told me I had been bad hoarding all these antiques and they would be given to the needy, but an angel was here to keep me quiet. This angel, who looked surprising like the local fallen woman ‘do anything for a’ Penny Gwenn , performed an act of penance upon my person which, to my astonishment, completely took my mind off God stealing my ornaments. Quite frankly I didn’t care and I wished I had hoarded more things so I could be punished again. Much better than Hail Marys”.

The magistrate presiding over the case branded Rev Aldplancton ‘mad as a hatter’ and ordered he serve 20 years, as vicar in the magistrates own parish.

The city of Oxford’s famous rich eccentric Sir Reginald Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack thought he’d placed a safe wager when he posted a £10 bet at a university bar that nobody would dive into the icy waters of the Thames at Folly Bridge and stay under for at least 30 seconds. But he hadn’t reckoned on the spirit of feisty undergraduate Jeremy Bollner who took up the challenge. Sir Reginald was mightily impressed saying “He passed the 30 second mark with ease, and if he ever makes it back to the surface I’ll gladly pay him double”.