Letters of Gentlemen

The Letters of Gentlemen

Dear GC,

I am an apprentice ticketcollector’s assistant for the Reading Tram Corporation and I could tell you a thing or two about the ribald antics of some of our passengers. The most shocking incident happened only last week. Apart from the driver, there was just myself and two females on the entire tram. They, in that ghastly foreign way, introduced themselves as Swedish students studying in our country. I must say, if you will pardon my indecency, that they were two of the most agreeable looking women I have ever seen.

They seemed very interested in my uniform, understandable due to it being a rather fetching garment. They seemed unusually intrigued by the nap and texture of the material used to make the trouser, often going as far as stroking certain areas in order to get a better grasp of the workmanship. I thought the thoroughness of their intrigue rather peculiar and I began to wonder if they had unchristian motives.

My thoughts were confirmed when one of them quite deliberate exposed part of herself to me, showing off what I only dare describe as a knee. It was quite clear what their motives were now. I was shocked but excited. I had waited for a moment such as this all my life and I did what any normal healthy Englishman would do in the circumstances. I made a citizen’s arrest and made sure they were deported to the harlot infested sewer from which they came.

(Name and tram route withheld by request)

Dear GC:

I am writing to you on behalf of an old friend and trusted colleague of some thirty years standing who is unfortunately suffering from a rather embarrassing itching in a part of his anatomy that it would not be decent to mention here. I believe that I would not be doing my duty if I did not point out here and now that the gentleman in question is nothing if not a very pillar of our society, taking an interest as he does in many Christian organisations such as the Society for Homeless Artistic Girls and the Girl Runaway and Orphans Penal Establishment.

It was in the course of his duties as the latter establishment that the gentleman in question believes that the aforementioned ailment was contracted. he had been tutoring one particularly disobedient little vixen when sadly he was forced to administer a damn good thrashing to the young lady whom it appears began to struggle like a wildcat, biting and scratching and using language that it does not befit these pages to repeat. It was only a short time after this that the gentleman noticed the previously mentioned irritating condition. Is there the possibility of a soothing ointment or balsam being administered.

God bless the British empire.

All replies to Sir James Bighorn Q.C.

Editor’s reply: I have passed this letter to a gentlemen of my acquaintance who is a member of the Hellfire Club. They appear to know a lot about this kind of thing.

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