The Modern Police

Modern Policing

“How safe is today’s London?”

That is the question on the lips of most people who want to know how safe London is today. Sadly it is not as safe as it could be, which is a good thing. For if there was no crime then there would be no need for police. And if there were no police then crime would be totally out of control.

Of course modern police methods have advanced a long way since the days of the Bow Street Runners. As much as the modern force owes them a debt, we have to recognise that their methods were never very successful. Having a hundred men constantly running up and down the length of Bow Street looking for criminals may have looked impressive, but many devious criminals realised that they could avoid detection by just staying off Bow Street altogether. The tobacconists round the corner on Arndale Road were particularly badly hit. Younger, more daring thieves, would wait until the evening and rob people openly, right in the middle of Bow Street. They knew that the runners, after running constantly throughout a standard 12-hour shift, were so exhausted as to be unable to catch an arthritic tortoise (according to an expose by the day’s leading Sunday paper News of the Empire; Headline – Bow Street Runners Can’t Catch Arthritic Tortoise). The Bow Street runners were disbanded in 1829 when Bow Street was demolished to make way for a mist factory, where many of the fogs that shroud London are still made to this day.

I believe the greatest potential advance in criminal detection lies in the new skill of fingerprinting. A few years ago a young constable noticed how after a criminal had attempted to steal a set of newly painted railings, it was possible to match the imprinted marks left on the drying railings with the black paint on the criminal’s hands. His original idea, to paint every valuable item in London with non-drying black paint, was never very popular and was abandoned after a royal interjection by Queen Victoria herself. She felt that having Prince Albert (valued at over £7,300 by Lloyds) permanently coated in dripping black goo presented a less than regal figure at state banquets.

Fingerprinting techniques were used in earnest in the Jack the Ripper case. Initial prints taken from the victim’s belongings gave us no leads but the Chief of Police, Sir Henry Worbleston, has stated that we will not be defeated. Working on the theory that the killer may have also visited other ladies of easy virtue, Sir Henry is personally heading a dedicated unit to pursue this line of enquiry. Equipped with only the largest expense budget for any criminal investigation in police history, Sir Henry and his men have spent much harrowing time examining as many of the working women in Whitechapel as possible. It’s a huge job that’s taken longer than expected. Several years longer to be honest.

The very latest weapon against street crime is the surveillance camera obscura. Teams of undercover security guards now patrol the streets of the West End looking for suspicious rapscallions. Once they feel a crime is about to be committed they discreetly manoeuvre the 19’ x 17’ iron box of the camera obscura into position and expert etchers record the image that appears inside. All this without the criminal knowing he is being observed. These are, however, pioneering times and there have been setbacks with many cases being thrown out by judges. The rapid etching required quite often results in the etching produced being, well quite frankly, rubbish. Another attempt to have several etchers in the camera obscura, each etching different parts of the body was abandoned after three of them suffocated.

The cutting edge of police investigation is, without doubt, the new science of criminal character profiling. This is where expert criminal psychologists are able to use their skill and judgment to estimate a criminal’s character, status and background to help narrow the search. It is an idea plagiarised and exaggerated in the modern fiction action stories of Sherlock Holmes. It isn’t really possible to deduce from one half-smoked woodbine that a killer was 6’2”, South African, a keen polo player and had lost the index finger of his left hand in a bizarre toffee-apple accident during childhood – which is a shame because that is an exact description of my weasel of a brother-in-law.

But experts were able to deduce that the attackers of a door-knob polishers assistant at an end-of-season ball at the Hurleston Rugby club were probably strong, athletic men, most likely under the influence of alcohol and with an inclination for bawdy songs derogating women. They went on to deduce further that they may well have been public school educated and were probably damn fine chaps who had a bally good reason for doing what they did, and so we left it at that. On the other hand psychological profiling has really helped clearing up incidents of theft in the area. The classic profile of a thief is that they will be poor, working class, be walking in close proximity to this police station and, with the aid of several truncheon blows to the head and kidneys, happy to confess to any crime we care to suggest. I’m sure it’s a technique that will help police forces for many years to come.

But before I go I’d like to reassure readers of the Gentlemen’s Club of their safety with the knowledge that statistically speaking, on average people tend to be murdered less than once in their lifetime.

So until next time – Be good, and if you can’t be good I’ll hit you with me truncheon.