Man About Town - Marriage

Like many men of my age I am 48 years old. A few years ago I decided to take a wife. Sadly she was someone else’s wife and I had to give her back, so I decided that it was time to find one of my own. Now I know there are many out there who consider the mid-forties as being still a trifle young to get wed, but what our parent’s and grandparent’s generation, if they are still alive, fail to grasp is that men grow up a lot faster these days. The man about town in these modern times often knows things at the age of thirty that his father still didn’t believe in at fifty. I talk mainly of women. My father didn’t even know what a woman was he was thirty. “why is that oddly clothed man a funny shape?” he would apparently remark at any women who went by.

In spite of, or perhaps because of this I endeavoured to develop a level of all-round sophistication that others could hope to aspire to. It is this that has allowed me to help so many other fellow men through this column and gives me the right to therefore breach this most difficult of subject of finding a wife. You can’t just find a woman on any old street corner you know. Well, I suppose you can on lower class streets, but you wouldn’t want that sort of woman as a wife. Finding a wife requires planning of military precision combined with the intelligence of the most modern of battlefield tactics. So let’s fix bayonets and over the top we go....

Preparing a Shortlist

It is much to the chagrin of many a fellow that it is not possible to acquire a wife in quite the same way as it is any other commodity, such as a hat or a new walking cane. Even worse is that the dreaded ‘E’ word - emotion often plays a part. But as unlikely as it may seem, emotion can play a vital part in choosing a wife. And when dealing with women there is but one emotion to consider - fear. First make a list of all the women of your acquaintance. Then, one by one, imagine being stood very close - almost touching - to each woman in turn. If you find this thought frightening then put a tick next to that name. Once you have been through the list cross out all unticked names. Now the crucial part, what I call the gateau test. This helps a fellow sort out his emotions.

After years of constructive brutality at boarding school many gentlemen’s emotions are (quite rightly!) deeply buried (don’t be embarrassed, all men get emotions from time to time even if it’s not the kind of thing one talks about after a hard day’s shooting). The gateau test helps tap into these hidden emotions. The test is this. Again, take each woman in turn, but this time imagine your are both at dinner engagement. Seven excellent courses have already been served and now it is time for the sweet trolley to make its appearance. Imagine you are full up but are presented with the most wondrous gateau and the only decent thing is to eat it. Now the crux of the test. Imagine as you are forcing down slice after slice of cream & chocolate laden gateau, a woman on the list takes a huge mouthful and smiles directly at you. If this vision makes you feel like retiring to the drawing room and revisiting the previous seven courses in reverse order behind the aspidistra, then cross that woman off your list.

At the end you should have a list of women that may still frighten you, but will frighten you in a most extraordinary way, as you may eventually discover on your wedding night. Gentlemen who are not members of aristocracy may wish to remove any remaining women to whom they are related. Further whittling of the list may be done on the grounds of age.

Age is often a contentious issue. A lady of 17 may look most agreeable and there is many a man who would think that they could do worse than to spend many a winter’s evening stoking the fireplace with a lady of this youth. But maturity is important. An older, wiser woman will listen to you daily woes with the charm and submissiveness of someone who’s had the chatterfullness beaten out of her. The more mature woman could be seen as someone who is almost half-way equal. The more mature woman can often be taken as a companion or even perhaps a friend as well as an unpaid servant. So I say reject the silly, frivolous 17 year old and go for the maturity of her 19 year old sister.

Introductions

To secure a lady’s hand in marriage it is generally necessary for her to take a liking to you. That’s one trouble with women, they are just too demanding. Quite why a woman should even need to look beyond qualities such as a bushy moustache or an impressive batting average is a question that may always plague mankind.

So, as degrading as it may seem, talking to women is the answer. But what to say? What does one talk to women about? One golden rule - keep it simple, these are women after all. You can’t expect them to enter into a debate on the state of the Empire. They may look like they are listening, but they actually understand little more than dog basking in his master’s voice. Many is the time that I have tried in vain to explain in depth the laws of cricket to women, only for them to be forced into making feeble excuses for ending the conversation. One girl went to the ridiculous lengths of knocking herself unconscious with the coal scuttle, just to avoid her embarrassment at not understanding my ideas for refining the LBW law.

So stick to simple subjects. Try talking about the things women do, such as sewing or cleaning. Have lots of questions prepared and ready to ask, for any response you get will almost certainly be of no interest. If talking about yourself try to be reassuring. Try to convince her that you are the kind of man who can protect and provide, for I have noticed that money is something which women appear to take great interest. I come from a fairly rich family and so being of more than ample means, I know I am financial able to provide a lifetime’s endowment for any potential wife - and whenever I mention that I am considered to be very well endowed it never ceases to amaze just how many women get interested.

Courting

Once you have discovered a woman to your liking it is time to advance your knowledge of her. This is done by the ritual of courting. The traditional thing to do is to take the woman of your choosing out somewhere pleasant, preferably away from your local area so as to ensure you don’t sully your reputation as a man about town by looking like the sort of effete chap who talks to women.

Now one thing you must remember when calling on your woman to take her out is that many women like to indulge in what is commonly known as ‘playing hard to get’. They love the chase and will often play all manner of high jinx to try to pretend that they are not interested. This can range from simple pretending to not be in or trying to escape through a back window, right up to emigrating to Australia. So don’t take no for an answer, unless she threatens to call a member of the constabulary.

Now when you take the woman out you will need your privacy to get to know her properly. The two of you should be totally alone, apart from perhaps a chaperone each, a minimum number of butlers or maids, a millinery attendant for the lady, shoe polisher for yourself, and perhaps a set of lawyers in case things turn sour. Try to get her to enjoy herself. It is the memories of your courting that will keep her fulfilled when she settles into her wifely domestic duties. Indeed, many is the time when I have been in the midst of crossed words with my good lady wife, only for her to utter words along the lines of “...I remember when you used to take me out to places…” or “… I remember when we used to have fun together…” A wife with happy memories is a contented wife indeed.

During the courtship your chosen woman, if she is of a forward nature, may try to hold your hand. If she does, then try not to be too frightened, or at least try to hide it. It is just a woman’s way of showing that she wants you to be the one to hold her back and stop the masculine trait of freedom being wasted on a her.

After the courtship meeting, when you have returned to your abode, you may feel the urge to do something you probably haven’t done since you were in your teens. This is quite natural reaction to having spent an evening in the company of a woman of your choosing. So yes, it’s quite natural to want that cold shower and wash any vileness and weakness caused by emotion right out of your system.

The Wedding Day

Ghastly business, but a legal necessity.

After the Wedding.

Once the turgid business of romance is out of the way life can settle down into a much more useful pattern. Unless you are blessed with a copious amount of servants there will always be some domestic duties to do. For a successful marriage it is imperative that these chores are shared equally. Many women, sadly including my wife, are unable to grasp the true meaning of equal. To share the duties, as in doing an equal number each, is as absurd as it is insulting. No, the only equal way is for her to do all the chores and for me to reap the benefits of them. In fact, if anything, she gets the better end of the deal. For not only does she get the satisfaction of a job well done, she also benefits from the pleasure of my company, which will have been enhanced by her easing the strains of my day.

So there you have it. My indispensable tips for marital bliss. Next issue I’ll go into detail on how to keep a marriage happy with my guide to choosing the correct mistress.