From the Pulpit

From the Pulpit

With Rev. Isaac Featherstone

While at the orphanage a few days ago, a little girl called Mary asked me, in a sweet childlike manner, what it meant by God being omnipresent. I said it meant that God was everywhere.

“Even in this room?” she asked excitedly.

“Yes child. In this room.”

“And next door as well?”

“Yes, he’s also next door”

“What about in the back yard of the orphanage?”

“Yes. Please Mary, he is everywhere. In this backyard. Next door’s backyard. All the backyards all over the world.”

“Oh” she said, thankfully appearing to have at last grasped the meaning of the word everywhere.

“Even in the rubbish bin?”

“Yes! Even in the…”

“All of him?”

“What?”

“All of him? All of God in one rubbish bin?”

“Not all of him. Just a bit. If he’s everywhere there can only be tiny piece of him in there. But rest assured a bit of him will be in there.

“Which bit?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps an eyelash or a toenail. It really doesn’t matter which bit.”

But then she tearfully went on to tell me how she’d just thrown some rotting food scraps in there and she was worried that God would be angry for getting him dirty. I sat her down on me knee and told he not to worry. I told her that she had done nothing wrong, but even if she had done something wrong and she was genuinely sorry, then God would forgive her.

She then asked me if I’d ever needed to ask God’s forgiveness. You know, this is a common question and I’m still somewhat embarrassed to say I have, even if it shows I’m human.

I told her that as a child I used to steal apples from the monastery garden. That put her mind at rest. It was also slightly naughty in my teens when I used to help myself to an extra helping of pudding when I knew nobody was looking. I was a growing boy and God would understand. He also understands why I always steal from the collection plate. I deserve it. Just like he understands me having naughty relations with many of the young nuns up at the convent.

I also had a very strong feeling that God wanted me to blackmail the bishop about his secret love-child. I was merely doing his work. And that time I saw old O’Reilly the atheist tramp drunkenly staggering home, I heard God speaking to me directly. Telling me to shove him into that dark alley and beat him, beat him, beat him with my cane until the entire loathsome stain of his presence was washed away with the gurgling blood that flowed in congealing trails towards the sewers.

“Is God in the sewers?” asked Mary.

“Not if he can help it” I told her.

The C.o.E. have informed us that Rev. Isaac Featherstone will be on holiday until further notice

Gentlemen’s Club Membership

The Gentlemen’s Club is now taking applications for new members. If you wish propose a new member then take an application form from the club offices, complete it and return it first class (no cheapskates allowed) to

G.C. Selection Committee

The Gentleman’s Club

Opulence House

Central London

Note: We, at the Gentleman’s Club, are proud of our tradition of being an open society with a membership encompassing the full broad spectrum of members of the general public. However, we do have standards to maintain and are unlikely to grant favour to applications from the following groups

Women, children, the poor, the indebted, foreigners (incl. members of our Empire), Marxists, the scruffy, naval men who have spent far too long along at sea with other men for their own good if you know what I mean, men who don’t wear hats, liberals, female impersonators, music hall artistes, the dead (excl. Lords and judges), the insane (excl. Lords and judges), the ginger haired, those who have visible diseases, northerners (except rich ones), these lacking elecution, people who object to our rules, anyone we take a vague dislike to without any discernible reason, criminals (unless their victims were exclusively among those listed above), and anyone called Kevin.