The Wonders of Medical Science

The Wonders of Medical Science

Having recently attended a conference at the Leytonstone Society of Medical Experimentation, I feel it is only my duty to share details of some of the marvellous pioneering work that has happened in this great nation of ours (God bless her) over the last year.

The first thing I noticed as I entered the magnificent and imposing hall of Leytonstone Manor was the abundance and variety of moustaches worn by many of the gentlemen in the room, and not just beneath the nose! I saw at least one gentleman sporting a surprising array of ginger ‘taches all down his left arm, and another two gentlemen, twin brothers I believe, who were joined at the knee by an incredible black moustache 3 feet across!

Anyway, after a quick snifter or two in the main drawing room, we adjourned to the laboratories to investigate the latest specimens of advanced scientific research. The first thing we saw was a man with the head of a sand lizard. This amazing creature had been created by an unusual-looking gentlemen named Richard Draycott-fothering. Captain Draycott-fothering has initially been working in France, where he had successfully grafted the head of a crane fly onto the body of a twelve-year-old boy. Unfortunately he had to leave the country when his creation was elected Prime Minister.

After this turn of events the Captain has found it difficult to find funding for his work and has had to resort to using his own body for experimentation. This would no doubt account for his unusual appearance, especially the swan’s head where his left hand should be, and an otter’s tail instead of a right eyeball.

In the next room the whole company of gentlemen paused for near-on an hour to marvel at the sight of what, at first glance, appeared to be naked woman bathing, which is in fact what it was, this room being the bathroom and the lady of the house being the divine creature in question. Our studies were prematurely ended however, when she noticed the faces at the window and set the dogs on us.

As we walked along the corridor, I could help but feel proud at the sight of this great pioneering work, and the great nation that produced it. Where else could you see in a single afternoon, a man with a geranium for a tongue, a dog with a trombone for a tail, and a delightful creature that was half fiddler-crab and half occasional table. Successes all, although the last-mentioned did have the unfortunate habit of running off with one’s whisky glass and pinching one painfully on the upper thigh.

Well, I must say my goodbyes for now, but keep up the good work chaps.